.....it's that break in between acts that let's everyone take a breath, get a refreshment and ponder what they've just witnessed. I know the drama is far from over, but as the curtain of this first week of celebrating life comes to a close, I go back to my dressing room alone and think. And feel. And wonder. As I sit for just a moment and let the silence provoke my spirit, I hear the sound of longing deep within. Just past the longing to belong and to be surrounded with friends who are like family is the familiar desire to leave a lasting impression here on the earth, to be great, to change history. It has taken on a different voice here in the quiet between the inevitable chaos. I remember listening to this longing as a child. In my immaturity I became lots of things according to the hunger inside of me.....star of the play, speech contest champion, MVP of the softball tournament, Student Council President, straight A student, Most Likely to Succeed, the best at most anything I tried. It only left me as a frustrated adult, not receiving joy unless I was number one, the top of the game, winning all things. My longing to be great had become a dysfunction -- it had turned into a longing to be greater than someone else.
Life with a newborn has once again caused my heart to look past my "5 year goals" and ask "what about eternity?". What of all I am doing will make a difference here on the earth as well as earn eternal rewards? All the stuff I was so great at -- it's all gone. Poof. Vanished. After the final rush of adrenaline, the reward is over. But the stuff I am so weak at -- 3 am feedings, staying home watching the webcast rather than being in the prayer room, teaching Zion to read, making crafts with Grayson, holding a crying baby when I don't know what's wrong with her -- all those things seem to be what God is breathing life on in this moment. It is such a paradox. The longing to be great is an invitation to lay down my strength and take up holy weakness. It is so amazing that He LIKES me in all this that I am not even GOOD at.
In a few hours, the curtain will pop back up and the drama will resume. I pray that God helps me learn greatness as a stagehand and not only as the star.
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3 comments:
So well-written, Kels. I love your honesty and your ability to put your thoughts and feelings into words. Those middle-of-the-night feedings and changing diapers and homeschool and cleaning the floor....again....all really do count for something on the other side. For real, for real. That is the stuff greatness is made of.
I read your post and said "ouch" out loud. I've been struggling with this at deep levels lately. I have this wrong belief that God only approves of me in the things I do "perfectly". Thanks for sharing your heart, it makes me feel less alone in this struggle and puts an eternal perspective on it. Today I choose to be imperfect AND God's favorite. :-D
I think I have been to a total of 20 ihop services in 2 years. this is the test. To watch & interact in the prayer room through webcast with only a crying baby to worship with. Zoe will love you for it. You encourage my heart as a mom actually running with vision for yourself and for your family.
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