He always does this. I should've known better. I choose to fast, stating my noble goal "to know you better, oh God, and to go deep in Your word", spoken through hushed wimpers (as if to imply the sacredness of what I am committing to). I ponder the hunger I will feel going into the time of fasting and with such confidence make the declaration "but I am so much more hungry for God". In fact I even had the audacity to tell the Lord I was looking forward to feeling hungry. What was I thinking??
DAY 1 - I do well as far as the eating part goes. I even have a bit of wisdom on some passages I've been studying. But God Himself feels like He's taken a vacation from my part of the world. But I am not going to go on what I am feeling, I tell myself. My kids are driving me crazy. They are just wild, I say. I open my big mouth more than usual, making crass judgments about people that get on my nerves on more than one occasion this day. Boy, annoying people are coming out of the woodwork today. It must be a full moon. "No", a still small voice tells me, "I am giving you revelation". Of yourself. Aaaaack! Hold on a second! That's not what I said I wanted during this time of Holy Consecration! I want scholarly revelation on the level of John Wesley! I want Holy Spirit healing power like John G Lake! I want to be a history changer like Martin Luther! Don't hold a mirror - that totally gets in my way!
DAY 2 - Staff fasting day, so I give up all foods today, which makes me grumpy and tired. I tell myself, it's just because you don't do well without protein. I gulp a protein shake. I'm still grumpy and tired. Huh. I go to the prayer room and immediately burst into tears. What in the world is going on in me?? I feel all alone, yet there are literally hundreds of people around me. I am sad because no one knows me, I realize. But then I am terrified for anyone to REALLY know me. I beat myself up for thinking this and other thoughts. Am I going insane? "No", says that same sober voice, "you are fasting. And I am having my way."
22 days to go. If I were Lou Engle I would rock, rub my hands together and say "Come on! 22! It must mean somethin'!" But I am Kelsey, so I will rip another day off the calendar and hope I come out on the other side with less baggage than I currently carry. Don't you see that I've been tricked? The bait was revelation of the Word. I'll probably get that too, but what He really wanted to do was get me in the position to remove all that hinders His love. And I have decided as painful as it is, I want to do that on this side of eternity, where it counts!